Interview With A Vampire: A Comedic Retelling

Article by Aaron Haughton 

Aside from Top Gun and Point Break, I think Interview With A Vampire takes the cake for its hilarious homosexual undercurrent. Well, it's not so much of an undertone as it is blatantly obvious that Pitt and Cruise had a thing. But, so, anyways, I watched the film for the first time all the way through about 2 years ago, and drafted this comedic rehashing of the plot. Suck a vein and enjoy. 

The story begins with Pitt meeting up with Slater on Grinder, and Pitt decides to tell Slater his story of being a vampire. Slater is very aroused by Pitt's dashing good looks, and he listens intently as Pitt tells him about how he lost his wife and daughter and came to know the vampiric Cruise.

So Tom Cruise is all like, "I'm a friggin' vampire and I get off on turning people into vampires," so he bites Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt's like, "Crap, I'm a vampire, but I'm conflicted about eating people." Cruise is like, "You're a-a vegan, dude...?" Pitt shyly says, "Yeh, boo." All the while, secretly holding the desire to hook up with Cruise.

So time goes on and our gay vampire duo is not doing so well. They even updated their Facebook status to "It's Complicated." In an attempt to keep Pitt in the relationship, Cruise picks up an orphaned Kirsten Dunst without even texting Pitt to serve as their daughter. Dunst is understandably all angsty and hormonal because she'll always be a little girl vampire, which sucks hard because she is totes attracted to Pitt, but Pitt's all like, "Sorry, baby, but I wanna bone Tom Cruise with my dusty old digit." Out of spite, Kirsten kills Cruise, or so we think.

Then, Antonio Banderas shows up and he's all like, "Ou, Brad Pitt, I wanna 's' your vampiric 'd' off." But Brad's still hung up on Cruise... Pitt breaks it to Banderas by telling him "Deez nuts will never penetrate you." Banderas is sad, but he know latino vampires are prone to crush more ass, so he's not too butt hurt; although he'd very much like for his butt to hurt. So it goes.

Brad is still telling all this to Christian Slater, who over the course of this much-too-long film, has developed the urge to get sucked by Brad Pitt. But Pitt's like, "Dude, look, I'm, like, really really sorry, bro, but you're not my type, and you won't ever be my type." And Slater's all like, "What?!" And he makes an expression, much like he's had for the entire movie, like he can't fathom the idea of not getting sucked because it's a complete and utter buzz kill for him, and (ain't no suprise here) Slater is a lousy and selfish lover. 

Then, Tom Cruise swoops back into the narrative because he can never not be the center of attention. He comes in reckless and hot while Slater is texting and driving, which is irresponsible and dangerous -- like he could've seriously gotten someone killed. Cruise comes back for Slater because he's still got the smell of Pitt on him or because he secretly wanted to suck Slater the whole time. I don't know, and no one really cares. But, then, Slater is all like, "This is the not the sucking I asked for, bro!" But it's too friggin' late. 

And then the whole stupid movie ends.

What do you think? Is that essentially the film in a nutshell? We want to know. Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments section below, and, as always, remember to viddy well!